Well, tonight was the first time I went out since my surgery on October 10th. I was scared. I am so embarrassed to admit that part of my embarrassment was based in vanity. I’m actually ashamed to admit that. My life changed completely in February when I was diagnosed. My pain was overwhelming. Gone were the days of business suits, makeup, & long pretty hair. All of that was replaced with pain, comfortable pajamas, and a warm fuzzy blanket. I became I hermit. The depression and pain set in as quickly as the extra pounds. Visitors? Hell no! I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Before I knew it my surgery date arrived, then I had pain, a shaved head, and an extreme case of paranoia. Get in a car to go somewhere? Nope, what if we get in an accident? Go out to dinner? Nope, there might be a group of people at another table making fun of me for my lack of hair or for wearing a wig. And what could I possibly wear to go anywhere? The 40 extra pounds I’ve packed on have left me with the ability to only wear my husband’s old jogging pants. But tonight, my daughter said, “please come out to eat with us, Mommy. I won’t let anyone make fun of you.” So, as a promise to my beautiful 8 year old daughter, I did it. I put on makeup for the first time in almost 10 months. I put on a pretty wig I bought before my surgery. I wore my husband’s old jogging pants with a t-shirt, and we went out to supper as a family. I cried the whole way there; scared someone would slam into us, or run a red light. My husband and my daughter just kept saying that everything would be alright. And you know what? It was. I’m proud of myself for taking that step. I love my family for figuring out when to gently push me in the right direction. I certainly have many things to give thanks for on Thursday.
I am very proud of you. That was a big step. Please don't think you are alone. Even after 7 years CM post op I am still afraid of people getting into my personal space. I am afraid they will bump into me & hurt me or I will fall. I even have drop spells if people hug me around the neck at times. I avoid places with large groups during flu season. I am not a vain person & am not saying you are, but I really don't care what others say or ask about my scar. I feel like I have earned every mm. My scar goes from 1 cm from the top of my head to my shoulder blades.
We are Survivors. It takes Baby Steps to begin with. Be patient with yourself.
Thank you, Beeba! She is a wonderful, precious, miracle daughter. She was born 10 weeks early, weighing only 3.5 pounds. I am truly blessed to have her and my amazing husband. And you are 100% right about being harder on ourselves than others. When we were leaving, the hostess asked me about my neck brace, so I told her the short version of the story. She said “You go, girl! Nothing’s gonna keep you down, right?” I started to cry…right there in the front area of the restaurant. I grabbed her hand, and all I could say was “thank you.” Such a simple statement from her with such a huge impact on me.
Your story made me cry...Oh How I can relate. You are brave and strong and an inspiration. What a great example you are setting for your daughter. I'm going to do something brave too and think of you as I'm doing it... Thank You
Wendy
PS My grandmother used to say "If you knew how little, people thought of you, you'ld never worry about what they thought"
She aslo used to say every Thansgiving "May this be the worst meal of our lives" LOL That one stumped me when I was little.
Belle,
That is so great. Way to go. I really do understand everything you wrote. I’m the same way. You must be so proud of yourself and your sweet daughter.
You should be proud of yourself for going out!!!! You are not that far out from your surgery ..I would still call you 'A fresh Post-Op"...I am not a dr. not even a nurse....but hey....pat yourself on the back, girl.....It is only a bit over 1 mth since you had BRAIN SURGERY!!!
As for the wt gain...it will come off.....the extra pounds are TEMPORARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is hard , I know....we are gals and want to look our best...but you are gorgeous now..just the way you are!!!!!