Trying to be positive...but it's not working

Quick backstory... My 16 year old niece is currently living with me. My sister and her husband have adopted 7 kids from the foster care system. They all come from horrible starts to life with behavioral issues and medical problems. The oldest niece is going through some issues ...that's why she is living with me. I see my sister and her kids more now because she makes sure that she still has close contact to the niece living with me.

Today my niece and a nephew in seperate conversations both asked when I was going to quite faking being sick. Wasn't I done yet! They were repeating a conversation that they had overheard my brother-n-law saying. Apparently he said that it was time for someone to call my bluff. That hurt a lot.Eight surgeries and he want to call my bluff!!!!! This kind of hurt hits deep within my soul. My nephew didn't know how hurtful that was, but my niece did. I expected it from her because she struggling with her own personal issues. I know that my brother-n-law must be fighting with my sister over me. My sister has been at the hospital with me everytime. She drives me to appointments. She comes and checks on me. I know I have been a burden and imposition to her family...heck I'm an impostition to my WHOLE family. But it was not my fault. I don't want to cause problems with my sister. I tried to be pleasant towards my brother-n-law but it was hard. I couldn't wait for him to leave. When he did, I had to go have a good long cry which only made my head hurt worse. I can't win for trying!!!!!

I have had a few really bad days....so to hear this right now really hurts. I tried to tell my self he is just an ignorant fool, but it hasn't worked. I hate having hate in my heart. This is a touchy subject. I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. Headaches can't be seen. The whole you must be crazy scenerio. I know I shouldn't let what an 8 year old boy says hurt me so much, but it does.

Thanks for letting me vent...

Dear Susan...

I am so sorry that you are hurting..not just physically ..but emotionally...totally get how you feel! But..Chiariwife said some powerful..true things...and she has insight b/c she is the spouse..not the patient...The lack of awareness is the major problem I think.

but you have to know in your heart of hearts...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT>> I have to keep telling myself that too ..b/c if we don't we get very down on ourselves and that only makes things worse.

You have been thru more than most..give yourself a break...be kind to yourself...We are here for you and anytime you need a friend ...we are here..We are all in this together and you are not alone....let us help when we can...it is not good to keep feelings in, ya know.??

Thanks for posting ,

Peace,

Lori

*Giant Hug* I know how you feel. My whole life my family has thought I was "Faking it" since they were all healthy. I was told from when I was a child on that I was a burdon and an imposition. Even when I was sick with more then just a migraine, such as when I got gallstones in 8th grade and they had to remove my gallbladder, my father's and brother's attitude (which my father also passed to his side of the family, my grandmother, my uncle, aunt and cousin) was that I was some how faking the tests and tricking the doctors. He even asked the doctors in front of me how I would have faked the test and told them to ignore me that I was lying. When the doctors looked at him like he was insane & told him I wasn't faking, because there is obviously NO WAY to fake an MRI, a CT, or an Ultra sound, he still didn't believe them. He thought/thinks everything I suffered through I did deliberately to upset or anger him and his favorite pet name for me to this day is "You lying, petty spiteful, ungrateful, little b*tch". Sometimes he changes it up and substitutes "Sh*t" for the B-word. You know you've not had a full life til your brother hears your father telling you to "knock off the lying and just go kill yourself already" so that you'd be less of a problem to the family and then begins repeating that himself when ever he's wanting to hurt you. My brother is 3 years younger then me and spoiled rotten by my parents because he's the boy, as well as being a very materialistic, ego-centric person. So as you can guess, he said that sorta thing alot.

Its also "fun" when my only remaining grandparent rolls her eyes and tells me in a very angry voice to "knock it off" when I try to excuse myself to go laydown when we're up visiting her and my pain gets particularly bad. Because of my father telling her I'm only faking and her being 90 years old and looking like a 60 y/o that's as fit as a 40 year old, she assumes I'm lying just because I've had more illnesses, operations, and medical issues at 30 years old then she has in her whole life. That's a very hurtful moment as well, to realize your Grandmother thinks you're a lying hypocondriac who tries to make up things about your health to cause problems in the family. I still meet people and make friends with them, only to have them begin to assume later that I'm a hypocondriac when I have to cancel plans when I'm not up to it. They all have the idea that if you're physicaly sick or hurt, they should be able to see it with the naked eye. People that like I explain to them once what's wrong with the medical terms and information and if they still think they should "be able to see it" then they're just too stupid to understand and are just not worth my time.

So, I completely feel your pain and truly sympathize. I know there's no real way to help with it. Its not okay that they do that. Its never going to be okay that they act that way. Its because they are ignorant and selfish people that can't extend their cares to inculde people other then themselves. The only thing I can say is that your brother in law must be a very self-involved person and he just needs to grow up and learn to not talk. He might be so childish as to be jealous of that fact that your sister loves you enough to help you with things and to spend so much time with you. But imaturity in him is no excuse for his behavorior, nor is it your fault that he's an idiot. the only thing you can do (assuming you've told him in the past that he needs to grow up and learn not to spout off about things that are far beyond his small minded educational grasp) is to ignore him. If he speaks, look through him. He's simply not worth your time- I truly mean this, he's not worth a moment of the time you have on this earth. He's a small person that does not matter. If he makes your sister happy (which I'm doubting if this is the way he treats people she loves) then good for her, she must be a loving, giving person that deal well with even the meanist, most unworthy creature, but he's not worth the space he takes up in the world if that's the way he treats others.

Now as for the children... The 16 year old should very well know better by this time. Your choices for dealing with her are a couple of ways. If you think she's just ignorant and doesn't realize what she said truly hurts you, then tell her plainly that what she said hurt you and you'd appreciate if she wouldn't repeat lies that others who don't have the education to understand spout off. Tell her if she has questions about a medical condition that she doesn't know about yet then you'd be happy to allow her to come with you to the next appointment to ask the doctor. If she said it to be mean or hurtful then you're welcome to remind her that she's currently living with you, out of the kindness of your heart, to help her deal with her own problems. If she's moved out of her parents house to do this it implies that she's got issues w/ her parents which you might want to remind her that if she already disagrees with her father over things then she should already realize by now that he speak about things that he doesn't know about and she should know better then to repeat things that she knows are wrong. (I'd like to put it more bluntly and tell her to stop repeating her father when she knows he's talking out his azz, but you might want to put it the polite way.)

As for the 8 year old, you'll just have to sit down and have a talk with him. Print out some Patient information stuff that's simple for a kid to understand, or picture for him to see, and just sit him down and tell him "Honey, your father doesn't like to admit I'm sick because it scares him. What he says when he's scared hurts my feelings, so please don't repeat your father. This is what's wrong with me: I have something called Chiari Malformation. This means that my spine pushes on my brain. It hurts alot and causes other problems too. But you don't have to be scared for me because the doctors are doing their best to help me it just takes them time. I love you very much and I wanted to tell you what's wrong with my body so you would know and not worry." Kids ussualy just repeat things because they don't know better. Once you set them straight it should pass. If the child repeats what you said to the brother in law, that's good. Maybe he'll learn to shut up, if not and tries to tell the kid you lied or something just get him and your sister together and tell them what he said hurts your feelings and that he's also hurting your relationship with the kids when they hear him say thing like that and then repeat it. If he's not a complete jerk he should stop.

I hope some of that helps, but it will still be hard for you to try to talk to them about. Just be strong, and simplify for the kids so the big words don't scare them, and with time it should work out. *Huge Hugs* But just remember, you're not alone!

Beeba.....

You are so right!!!! Love your honesty and no nonsense ..straight-forwardness!!! Love it..That is right..chin up everyone!!

Thanks Beeba.

Well said!!!! Thanks for your input..this is such a common problem for us Chiarians!

Miriam said:

*Giant Hug* I know how you feel. My whole life my family has thought I was "Faking it" since they were all healthy. I was told from when I was a child on that I was a burdon and an imposition. Even when I was sick with more then just a migraine, such as when I got gallstones in 8th grade and they had to remove my gallbladder, my father's and brother's attitude (which my father also passed to his side of the family, my grandmother, my uncle, aunt and cousin) was that I was some how faking the tests and tricking the doctors. He even asked the doctors in front of me how I would have faked the test and told them to ignore me that I was lying. When the doctors looked at him like he was insane & told him I wasn't faking, because there is obviously NO WAY to fake an MRI, a CT, or an Ultra sound, he still didn't believe them. He thought/thinks everything I suffered through I did deliberately to upset or anger him and his favorite pet name for me to this day is "You lying, petty spiteful, ungrateful, little b*tch". Sometimes he changes it up and substitutes "Sh*t" for the B-word. You know you've not had a full life til your brother hears your father telling you to "knock off the lying and just go kill yourself already" so that you'd be less of a problem to the family and then begins repeating that himself when ever he's wanting to hurt you. My brother is 3 years younger then me and spoiled rotten by my parents because he's the boy, as well as being a very materialistic, ego-centric person. So as you can guess, he said that sorta thing alot.

Its also "fun" when my only remaining grandparent rolls her eyes and tells me in a very angry voice to "knock it off" when I try to excuse myself to go laydown when we're up visiting her and my pain gets particularly bad. Because of my father telling her I'm only faking and her being 90 years old and looking like a 60 y/o that's as fit as a 40 year old, she assumes I'm lying just because I've had more illnesses, operations, and medical issues at 30 years old then she has in her whole life. That's a very hurtful moment as well, to realize your Grandmother thinks you're a lying hypocondriac who tries to make up things about your health to cause problems in the family. I still meet people and make friends with them, only to have them begin to assume later that I'm a hypocondriac when I have to cancel plans when I'm not up to it. They all have the idea that if you're physicaly sick or hurt, they should be able to see it with the naked eye. People that like I explain to them once what's wrong with the medical terms and information and if they still think they should "be able to see it" then they're just too stupid to understand and are just not worth my time.

So, I completely feel your pain and truly sympathize. I know there's no real way to help with it. Its not okay that they do that. Its never going to be okay that they act that way. Its because they are ignorant and selfish people that can't extend their cares to inculde people other then themselves. The only thing I can say is that your brother in law must be a very self-involved person and he just needs to grow up and learn to not talk. He might be so childish as to be jealous of that fact that your sister loves you enough to help you with things and to spend so much time with you. But imaturity in him is no excuse for his behavorior, nor is it your fault that he's an idiot. the only thing you can do (assuming you've told him in the past that he needs to grow up and learn not to spout off about things that are far beyond his small minded educational grasp) is to ignore him. If he speaks, look through him. He's simply not worth your time- I truly mean this, he's not worth a moment of the time you have on this earth. He's a small person that does not matter. If he makes your sister happy (which I'm doubting if this is the way he treats people she loves) then good for her, she must be a loving, giving person that deal well with even the meanist, most unworthy creature, but he's not worth the space he takes up in the world if that's the way he treats others.

Now as for the children... The 16 year old should very well know better by this time. Your choices for dealing with her are a couple of ways. If you think she's just ignorant and doesn't realize what she said truly hurts you, then tell her plainly that what she said hurt you and you'd appreciate if she wouldn't repeat lies that others who don't have the education to understand spout off. Tell her if she has questions about a medical condition that she doesn't know about yet then you'd be happy to allow her to come with you to the next appointment to ask the doctor. If she said it to be mean or hurtful then you're welcome to remind her that she's currently living with you, out of the kindness of your heart, to help her deal with her own problems. If she's moved out of her parents house to do this it implies that she's got issues w/ her parents which you might want to remind her that if she already disagrees with her father over things then she should already realize by now that he speak about things that he doesn't know about and she should know better then to repeat things that she knows are wrong. (I'd like to put it more bluntly and tell her to stop repeating her father when she knows he's talking out his azz, but you might want to put it the polite way.)

As for the 8 year old, you'll just have to sit down and have a talk with him. Print out some Patient information stuff that's simple for a kid to understand, or picture for him to see, and just sit him down and tell him "Honey, your father doesn't like to admit I'm sick because it scares him. What he says when he's scared hurts my feelings, so please don't repeat your father. This is what's wrong with me: I have something called Chiari Malformation. This means that my spine pushes on my brain. It hurts alot and causes other problems too. But you don't have to be scared for me because the doctors are doing their best to help me it just takes them time. I love you very much and I wanted to tell you what's wrong with my body so you would know and not worry." Kids ussualy just repeat things because they don't know better. Once you set them straight it should pass. If the child repeats what you said to the brother in law, that's good. Maybe he'll learn to shut up, if not and tries to tell the kid you lied or something just get him and your sister together and tell them what he said hurts your feelings and that he's also hurting your relationship with the kids when they hear him say thing like that and then repeat it. If he's not a complete jerk he should stop.

I hope some of that helps, but it will still be hard for you to try to talk to them about. Just be strong, and simplify for the kids so the big words don't scare them, and with time it should work out. *Huge Hugs* But just remember, you're not alone!