Chronic Pain

General
1

I haven't been around in a while. For that I am truely sorry. I haven't felt well in a long time and haven't felt like I had much to offer.

I found this and thought of my Chiari brothers and sisters right away. (I'm always thinking about you all to tell the truth)

CHRONIC PAIN by Sarah Zacharias

I am not a bad person.

I am an awesome person with an awful disease.

Chronic pain rules my life and to some, It is not a diagnosis but a label.

To them… I am not patient – I am criminal.

It doesn’t matter that I seek not medication, but relief. It doesn’t matter that I suffer but I also survive almost every day.

It only matters that on somedays, my best isn’t good enough.

My grit isn’t gritty enough.

My effort isn’t true or determined enough.

And suddenly I am criminal, because I am a patient.

I am broken therefore; I can be discarded.

My pain does not matter. It is not a symptom. It is a crime.

I want to shout! I am somebody’s wife their mom, sister, niece, granddaughter, friend, godmother, cousin and aunt!

I am the most important thing, to a lot of people. I am the matriarch. I am the one, the glue that is supposed to hold the chaos of my family together.

When I am broken, we are broken. When I am discarded, we are discarded.

When I am told that my desire for relief is criminal… that I cannot have the one thing that takes my hell away. then, I am left in a purgatory of pain… and every person who loves me stands by… suffering with me.

“Chronic pain.” The label reads… “Frequent flier.”

A frequent flier? How? With a broken wing?

Don’t think I don’t know that’s all I am On that clipboard you flip through…

It says whole lot of medicinal trash talk about me.

You flip the pages and rehearse your lines about policy. Policy. Not law. Policy. Not medical standards of practice. Policy. Not do no harm. Policy. Not patient’s best interest… Just policy.

The policy is An assault on my body in it’s failure to treat my pain.

And an assault on my spirit as I try to comprehend… “How long?” “And why can’t they help?” “And what s the policy for?” “And why me?” “And will it ever end?”

I retch as I ponder policy.

Policy ignores that: I am important to a lot of people. I am worthy of pain relief. I am not an addict. I am not a criminal. I am a patient. I do not seek a drug dealer. I want a doctor.

Policy… that addresses everything, except that which is truly important to my healing, my life, my health

I am a big girl I wear big girl shit kickin boots. I kick ass and I don’t take guff from anybody. But in an ER, in pain, I am at the mercy of a doctor who may not even take the time to see me. And that terrifies me. He could leave me to my pain, A day Or three Or a week… Gone. Just my life, gone, that’s all.

He denies me when I am too far down to fight back. Nobody would do that to their own mother but doctors do it to me. Nobody would wish untreated pain on their sister or their niece. but brothers and uncles do it to me. They do it to this daughter and wife and mother.

They do it, and with a relish that makes me want to retch more.

I need compassion for my pain… And I try not to be angry when my doctor’s haven’t got any because really, I feel sorry for them.

I may hurt physically, but to lack compassion for the pain of another living being… That must hurt their spirit a lot. That must be a painful burden to carry around. That must be worse than my body and my hurt, because there is no narcotic that stops suffering like that.

I am not a bad person.

I am an awesome person and have an awful disease.

I do not suffer, I survive.

Somedays I use the help of compassionate doctors, Somedays I use grit Somedays I fail But somedays I make it.

http://thebigslice.org/chronic-pain-by-sarah-zacharias/http://thebigslice.org/chronic-pain-by-sarah-zacharias/

2

well put. thanks for posting

3

Wendy, I'm sorry that you have been feeling bad lately! I hope you get to feeling better real soon and thank you for sharing this poem.

4

I heard a quote awhile back that seems to perk me up due to the humor...
I feel your plight as many of us do. Hang in there and remember that your diagnosis is the only validation you really need... I hope you find some relief soon.

5

Thanks. You worded it well.

6

Thanks so much for the post, and I literally feel your pain, physically and emotionally. Prayers to you that your pain decreases and is more bearable today and always

7

Hello Wendy I'm sorry you are in pain. Your poem is so right on. I heard the other day that only the most strong people get this disease Chiari. It must be true I don't think I am strong or courages anymore than the next person but I always get told that I am. I bet the same is true of you. Please know I just said a little prayer for comfort for you.

8

I saw your Discussion late last night and I cried. I cried because it's a great post & I cried because I miss you so much and pray for you and your family everyday. Please feel better and always know you do have family here that cares for you !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wG6Cgmgn5U

9

My heart hurt when I read this because I understand the hell we all go through to get the diagnosis, the hell for healing and the hell it takes on us when we want to be back to 100%.
This was spot on and you are in my prayers!

10

I can hear where you are coming from. The writing you added was the very description of what most of us go through on a regular basis. Why? Who knows. Don't let the depression setting in. Don't fall back down into that black bottomless pit. The life line you need can be found in God. He is the one and only Lord of your life. On days when I'm feeling like this and it feels as though I'm trying to balance on a really thin brick wall; where to the left is that bottomless pit and the right is the unknown. I pick the right side. The Bible tells us in Psalm 40:1-6 that God hears our cry, he lifts us out of the mud in that pit and sets our feet on solid ground, giving us a new song to sing.

OK, the right side is filled with the unknown, recall that God has a plan and purpose for your life. We may not know hwat this is all the time. But HE does and HE loves you. ... The Bible also tells us that he capturaes all of your tears in a bottle and counts every one. You are a beloved child of God, truly loved. I know there are some days when it does not feel like it... I've been there and have the wounds to prove it. But I've made the choice to stick with the right side and every time the blackness tries to settle in (the devil roams the earth seeking whom he can destroy)... I know that the one that lives inside me (Jesus) is greater than the one of the world... pick the right side, you ARE loved.

Butteboyzmom

11

that was powerful!! I'm going to print this and carry it with me everywhere. I felt every single thing that you said.