Very well said Sarah!
Thanks Wendy! I put a lot of thought into my answers, or books, it feels like sometimes. Being in a support group is great for me since I can't help people in the traditional way anymore but I also don't want to offend anyone, it makes helping a little bit harder when you don't "know" people but I do what I can! Thanks again, I really appreciate it, you have no idea, or actually you probably do! :)
Sarah
Wendy said:
Very well said Sarah!
Dallas, the more you write the more I recognize. I've been "puke a phobic" all my life. A friend of mine has it too so we made up a word for it. I hate being sick, hate it. Goes back to early childhood. My Mom said I always wanted a pill to make it go away. If I had a headache a band aid on my head would make me feel better. Just be glad you can't get pregnant, that's a real fun one! How do you run away from being pregnant? I have four great kids but pregnancy was very difficult for me. I look back now on things that use to freak me out, being stuck to an IV pole, elevators, anywhere that I don't control. It took taking my husband to the ER with kidney stones for me to look at it another way. I was in the best place I could be. I don't fear hospitals like I used to, my oldest and I always leave with a cup of their puffed ice! :) One of the best things besides having a baby! You can retrain your mind, I know this because I did it. My biggest mistake was not continuing with the Zoloft which I have told you about. But I remember being gone 12 hours and not having to think about it. I used to have a conversation with myself before I would go out. How do I feel? How long will I be gone? Can I do this today? I don't have those conversations anymore, I don't even think about it. Know my fear is more of worsening my symptoms but I'm not living so I have got to figure this one out. Vomiting took a long time, don't get me wrong I still hate to feel nauseous but having kids you have to "toughen up". I've learned to function even when I don't feel well, most of the time I'll just make myself throw up and get it over with. It's not the throwing up we fear it's the nausea that you don't know when it will end. You still have a chance at that life, I do too. I feel horrible because we've never taken our kids to Disney! How stupid is that? My oldest loves to give me a hard time about it. I was going to just go with her last October but that is when my headaches intensified and I realized there was no way I would be able to handle the rides. I have a lot of guilt for things too. I got sick and lost weight and I looked good, then I got sick and gained weight and I hate it. I spent all of my 30's fat and I hate it but my kids are healthy, I have a home, granted we would rather live on acreage but we have a roof over our heads... Who knows the things that you can do? Everybody responds differently to medication. You could be your old self again, isn't that worth the risk of trying? You are letting fear control your life and your decisions. You asked why should you have to take a pill to be normal? At this point does it even really matter? Normal is different to everyone. I think that people that can get on planes without a second thought aren't normal. That is my reality, that is what I deal with every day. But if I absolutely had to I could get on a plane, I would need some medication to help but I could do it. Why should I feel like I'm not normal because I need to do that? I did get on a plane without a problem a few times, I was doing that well. That is how I know that it's possible, I've felt it , I've gone through it, so what if I have to take Zoloft and possibly Clonazepam the rest of my life. Is living like an agoraphobic normal? I've overcome that as well. It sounds like you have a good support system within your family, use it. Try something for a month and see how you feel. Don't you deserve to feel normal? Don't you deserve to be happy? Your mood swings are tied to the anxiety which is in someway tied to the Chiari but right now I don't know which is which and I would guess that you're not sure either? What if you try something and it works? What if you feel great and don't need to have the surgery right now? Isn't that worth it, take some measly pill and you get your life back? One of my fondest memories is I got to see Phantom in Seattle a few years ago, I grinned the whole time. It may have taken 20 years but I did it. I also was able to see Depeche Mode, which wasn't easy, I had to fight for that one but I wanted it more than anything so I beat my anxiety. It was a walk from where we parked and that made all the difference, after the walk I was fine. You have to want it and then sometimes you have to fight to keep it! You deserve it. I know what it is like to feel like you don't remember what being happy feels like. Like your whole world is coming crashing down. Everything you hear just feels like a weight on you and you can't breathe. You don't think you will ever be happy again, this is your life so you just have to accept it. It's a deep dark hole "the depths of despair" from Princess Bride, it's real and it's there but you can get out. Like I said before FIGHT, fight like you never have before. You want Broadway, fight for Broadway, you want to travel the world, then do it. Your life is not ending it's just beginning! Push everyday! Nobody understands the "invisible lines" that when you cross them feels like you're going to die. Keep pushing them, they will expand. Even if it is getting out of bed and sitting outside. I used to not even be able to drive two blocks to the post office. Now it's not a problem, there are no more lines for me. You can get better but it's going to be an uphill battle that a lot you have to do on your own. Find a therapist, Psychiatrist, (haven't had the best of luck with these), Psychologist, Doctor, whatever or whoever you feel fits you and you trust, trust is the key. It might seem stupid and silly at first but after awhile you start to realize how much you've changed. I so strongly believe it is possible for you. I'm the worlds biggest wimp an I did it, so if I can do it anyone can! If you want you can work with me, setting goals I'm not an expert in anyway but I do know how it feels. Just know there are so many people that care and want the best for you. Let me know if I can help in any way?
Much love,
Sarah
Sarah Pugmire Baron said:
Dallas,
Your response to anxiety is totally normal. It's a fight or flee response. We both flee, when I couldn't feel "safe" in my own home I knew it was time to get help. At the time I was working and every thought just compounded on another. "What if I can't open the store?" "How am I supposed to work alone?" I had been working there for over two years and anxiety had gotten to the point that I thought I could stop taking my Zoloft. My PCP warned me it could come back and it could come back worse and it did. I had never really had panic attacks before and I always would be fine once I got home. When you don't feel "safe" anywhere that's when it's time to figure out another plan. I have two daughters who fight with this as well and I had to have both of them see someone for help during grade school years because it was so bad. I'm grateful that for me my anxiety didn't get to that level until I got pregnant with my first child.
I have been taking Ativan and Klonopin for a couple of years, I already filled you in on that, so I won't bore you again with details. :) I have had no issues tapering or going off of them. The reason it was so bad in 2005 because I did detox from massive amounts of painkillers and Valium. This is not normally the case. After my many surgeries if I just listen to my body I can taper and not suffer. I feel horrible they you are stuck in this awful place because I know how it feels. It's sort of light a caged animal, we need to control everything and have an escape route. I drive 15 miles to visit family in Utah because I can't get on a plane! Driving with four kids is no picnic either. I have realized that without the Ativan I can go to a really scary place and I can't handle that. I was stuck in Boise having massive attacks, throwing up, and when I could sleep I would dream that I had slit my wrists in the bathroom and my kids found me. It was one of the worst night of my life, I felt so out of control and so helpless, I was really looking forward to seeing family but in my mind I knew I was driving farther away from home. No, we shouldn't have to take meds to be normal but if we were all "normal" why do we have the meds? I do believe that one scripture and I'm terrible "my Dad has the whole Bible practically memorized, well did 84 is catching up with him!" something about God helps those that helps themselves? Why else would we have Doctors and other people to help us? When you take the Ativan and you think about the possibility of a surgery how does that make you feel? Do you feel any different than when you're not on the Ativan? Does that make sense? Your mind has a way to just keep compounding things on, what if, what if, what if. I am very blessed with an amazing husband who has put up with me for 20 years and he has learned to read what is normal and what is compounded by anxiety. I'm not saying that it makes any difference, fears or fear, just like my PCP said pain is pain. Whether it is real or caused by something else, your brain is telling you you are in pain. Either way you still need to treat it. The same I feel for you, only because I know where you are at and it is not a fun place to be. Everything is so overwhelming sometimes just keeping food in. I don't know how many times I've had to use the BRAT diet because of my anxiety. It was the only thing that worked after Detox.
B: bananas
A. applesauce
R. rice
T. toast, sometimes I put the applesauce on the toast
Anxiety is very real, and I think I've told you this before you wouldn't tell my niece who has diabetes that she doesn't need her insulin? You can't see her diabetes but she has it, would you deny her of the medicine that saves her life because she shouldn't need medication? What you need to do is somehow figure out how that applies to you. Just as she needs insulin you need something for what your body isn't able to do. Does she want to have diabetes, of course not, she has to sit and wait to eat sometimes and it's not fair. Did we choose to feel this way, no but this is our lot in life and we need to figure out how we can get through it. I think I told you before about a book "Dancing with Fear"? I only realized I had Chiari recently but have been dealing with anxiety most of my life and depression all of my life. I found this book to be very helpful in understanding what is wrong with my brain because there is something wrong with my brain. There are two teachers at a school who also have their responses to anxiety: one curls up in a ball and one was found running down the streets screaming. We all react differently but your response is not unusual. I still feel that you are going to struggle with this decision until your anxiety is under control. Who knows if you have the surgery maybe it will flip that switch in your brain and you won't have anxiety or depression anymore? There is nothing wrong with you! It is good that you are reaching out and questioning things. Trust me I have jumped in feet first too many times, now I've learned to sort of test the waters first. In fact I would be more worried if you weren't concerned about a surgery, it's scary! Brain surgery is scary! But where you are at right now is not good, you deserve better. Live does not end at 34, nor does it end at 40 as I sometimes feel. We have a lot of living still to do! Each of us has to figure how to do that. Right now your anxiety is controlling you, I'll put it like an ex boyfriend compared automatics to sticks. Do you want to drive the car or do you want the car to drive you? Figure out what YOU want and then fight like heck to get it! You deserve to be happy! You have the right to live without fear! You should not be stuck in your bed because of anxiety or pain! Figure out how to fight it and fight, we are not fighters but we can learn! I'm here for you, always! I have bad days too but I'm here, always.
Sarah
Wonder said:My panic attacks are so strong that I fear not being able to "get away" or not being able to deal with them like I normally do (take a pill and get ALONE in a safe place). My fear is being hooked up to all those machines and panicking.
I know a lot of it is interpersonal. Like I'm afraid of how I'll look. How ill be seen. Like I'm not in control.
I fear feeling WORSE and there's no going back after the surgery.
I have only recently (last week) divulged these feelings to my family.
Most people RUN to help during anxiety ... I run FROM it. Weird.
I fear getting ill too. Literally ill ... Vomiting. It's a phobia.
Anxiety has ruined parts of my life. I've turned down COUNTLESS opportunities. Two to travel the world doing what I love. One to take a job on Broadway. Multiple MULTIPLE others.
Yes, it's my anxiety keeping me from surgery. Hands down.